i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
