I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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