1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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