I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
