Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
PANTIES FOUND
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
