I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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