NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
