why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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