Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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