You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I fill condoms, not promises.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
