May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
