matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
