hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
