This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
