ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
