he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
