Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
