dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
