WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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