not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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