I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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