I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
