tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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