K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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