I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
