didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
