Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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