I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
There are leaves in my underwear?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
