he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
