but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I should be sponsored by Trojan
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
