I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
He passed out mid-signature
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
