I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
