Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
