Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
