i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
