The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
