i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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