i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
My bed is full of blood and feathers
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Randomize
