Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
