Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
