i just snorted my name. best moment ever
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
