The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
