you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
