i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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