Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
