I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
