I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
