True but thats because hes a fetus.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
