She is in my trunk
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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