I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
operation harelip BJ is a go
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
