Do you still have your period?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
