she pinky promised me she was 18
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
