i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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